gray rock

  • Why We are Hard-wired to Worry, and What We Can Do to Calm Down Dr. James Carmody

    Why We are Hard-wired to Worry, and What We Can Do to Calm Down Dr. James Carmody

    A new year brings both hopes and anxieties. We want things to be better for ourselves and the people we love, but worry that they won’t be, and imagine some of the things that might stand in the way. More broadly, we might worry about who’s going to win the election, or even if our world will survive.

    As it turns out, humans are wired to worry. Our brains are continually imagining futures that will meet our needs and things that could stand in the way of them. And sometimes any of those needs may be in conflict with each other.

    Worry is when that vital planning gets the better of us and occupies our attention to no good effect. Tension, sleepless nights, preoccupation, and distraction around those very people we care for, worry’s effects are endless. There are ways to tame it, however.

    As a professor of medicine and population and quantitative health sciences, I’ve researched and taught mind-body principles to both physicians and patients. I’ve found that there are many methods of quieting the mind and that most of them draw on just a few straightforward principles. Understanding those can help in creatively practicing the techniques in your everyday life.

    Our Brains Sabotage the Happier Present Moment

    We’ve all experienced moments of flow, times when our attention is just effortlessly absorbed in what we are doing. And studies carried out in real time confirm an increase in happiness  when people can focus attention on what they are doing, rather than when their minds are wandering. It may seem odd then that we leave our minds to wander for something like half the day, despite the happiness cost.

    The reason can be found in the activity of linked brain regions, such as the default mode network, that become active when our attention is not occupied with a task. These systems function in the background of consciousness, envisaging futures compatible with our needs and desires and planning how those might be brought about.

    Human brains have evolved to do this automatically; planning for scarcity and other threats is important to ensure survival. But there’s a downside: anxiety. Studies have shown that some people prefer electric shocks to being left alone with their thoughts. Sound familiar?

    Our background thinking is essential to operating in the world. It is sometimes the origin of our most creative images. We suffer from its unease when, unnoticed, it takes over the mental store.

    Mindfulness, the practice of observing our mind’s activity, affords both real-time insight into this default feature of the mental operating system and a capacity to self-regulate it.

    That is confirmed by studies showing increased attention regulation, working memory, and awareness of mind wandering that develop after only a couple of weeks of mindfulness training. Imaging studies, similarly, show that this kind of training reduces default mode activity and enriches neural connections that facilitate attentional and emotional self-regulation.

    Evolution Prioritizes Survival Over Happiness

    This default to planning is part of our evolutionary history. Its value is evident in the effortless persistence and universality with which it occurs. Mind-body programs like yoga and mindfulness are indicative of the yearning many people have to be in the happier present moment.

    How we use our attention is central to our emotional well-being, and many mind-body programs are based on training our minds to be more skillful in this way.

    Mindfulness training, for example, asks students to direct their attention to the sensations of breathing. And while that may seem easy, the mind resists tenaciously. So, despite repeated resolve, a person finds that, within seconds, attention has effortlessly defaulted to planning daydreams.

    Just recognizing this feature is progress.

    In those moments when you do manage to notice these thoughts with some detachment, their dogged concern with past and future becomes clear. And planning’s semi-vigilant (“What could go wrong here?”) orientation also becomes clear.

    We begin to notice that this hoping, comparing and regretting is often concerned with family and friends, job and money – themes of relationship, status and power that are central to the survival of tribal primates. All set against the background knowledge of our passing.

    Our Bodies Take Notice

    Traditional meditation teachings attribute our everyday unease to the bodily tightening that naturally accompanies the possibility of loss, failure and unfulfilled dreams embedded within this narrative. It’s a tension that is often unnoticed in the midst of managing everyday demands, but its background discomfort sends us looking for relief in something more pleasant like a snack, a screen, a drink or a drug.

    Mindfulness makes us more aware of these preoccupations and reorients attention to the senses. These, by their nature, are oriented to the present – hence the almost clichéd “being in the moment” idiom.

    So, when you notice yourself tense and preoccupied with anxious thoughts, try shifting your attention to the sensations of your breathing, wherever you notice it in your body. Bodily tension naturally dissipates with the shift in focus, and a feeling of greater calm follows. Don’t expect attention to stay there; it won’t. Just notice that attention goes back to worries, and gently return it to breathing.

    Try it for just a couple of minutes.

    Other Mind-body Programs Use Similar Principles

    It would be nearly impossible to design studies comparing all the techniques that cultivate mindfulness. But my more than four decades of experience as a practitioner, clinician and researcher of several popular mind-body programs suggests that most techniques use similar principles to recover the present moment.

    Yoga and tai chi, for example, direct attention to the flow of sensations accompanying the sequence of movements. In contrast, systems such as cognitive therapy, self-compassion, prayer, and visualization counter the ambient narrative’s unsettling tone with more reassuring thoughts and images.

    Just a little practice makes this universal mental tendency, and your ability to shift it, more apparent in the midst of activities. The reduced arousal that results means that stress-related hormones dissipate, allowing feel-good ones like serotonin and dopamine to be restored in the brain as the happier here and now becomes woven into the fabric of everyday life.

    1. James Carmody Professor of Medicine and Population Health Sciences, UMass Chan Medical School
    James-Carmody
  • Americans are More Anxious than Before By Dr. Jackek Debiec

    Americans are More Anxious than Before By Dr. Jackek Debiec

    Jacek DebiecAssistant Professor / Department of Psychiatry; Assistant Research Professor / Molecular & Behavioral Neuroscience Institute, University of Michigan



    Americans are becoming more anxious about their safety, health, finances, politics and relationships, a new online poll from the American Psychiatric Association finds. Compared to the results of a similar poll a year earlier, 39 percent of adults in the U.S. are more anxious today than they were a year ago.
    As a psychiatrist and neuroscientist, I believe studies and polls like these help to identify individual and group vulnerabilities. They may provide clues for providing better clinical practice, implementing more effective public policies, and designing research projects that yield a better understanding of the causes of anxiety and better treatments.
    Although anxiety is rising across all age groups and demographic categories, there are notable distinctions between certain groups.
    For example, millennials are more anxious (especially about finances) than Gen-Xers or baby boomers – though boomers’ overall anxiety increased more than the other age groups. Women reported a greater increase in overall anxiety in all dimensions than men, and non-Caucasians’ overall anxiety rose faster in the preceding year than did Caucasians. Sometimes, anxiety occurs without clearly defined worries or awareness, suggesting the poll may have only captured part of a rise in adult Americans’ anxiety levels – and those adults’ anxiety may be affecting children and teenagers too.

    While this poll was not designed to detect or diagnose anxiety disorders or pathological anxiety, it does indicate that people are perceiving greater potential danger to many elements of their well-being.

    Anxiety is a lower-grade version of a fear response. Severe instances of fear – such as actual direct threats of pain, injury or death – can cause very real physical reactions, including a release of stress hormones into the bloodstream and changes in heart rate and blood pressure, as the body prepares to react rapidly.
    Anxiety-triggered physiological responses are slower to develop, but can last longer. Rather than being caused by an immediate threat, it can happen as people adapt to changing situations, such as visiting new countries, starting a different job or experiencing major life transitions such as marriage, parenthood and aging. Often, anxiety dissipates as a person becomes more familiar with the new situation. Short-term and mild-to-moderate anxiety states are adaptive as they increase our alertness and prepare us for new challenges.
    Although our genetic makeup controls much of our fear and anxiety responses, recent studies also implicate our social environment. Children are especially sensitive to their caretakers’ emotional states, which means that if more adults are more anxious, the same is true for kids.
    But if it lasts, anxiety, like fear, can bring long-lasting physiological changes such as prolonged muscle tension, chronic high blood pressure and sleep disorders. Some groups may be particularly vulnerable to long-term anxiety, such as people with physical or cognitive limitations that make it hard to adapt to new situations.
    For others, worrying can become so overwhelming that a person does not focus on other important areas of life issues such as work, school or relationships. An especially anxious person may become excessively sensitive to minor concerns, which may be manifested by overreacting or avoiding people or situations that are not dangerous.
    Although regular exercise, relaxation, healthy eating and time with friends and family are all known to reduce anxiety, these fixes may not be sufficient. To quote Martin Luther King Jr., given the social nature of anxiety, “We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly.” This suggests that addressing actual threats and communicating carefully about perceived ones can have a beneficial impact on anxious Americans.

  • Stop Manipulators: Simple Strategies to Regain Control

    Stop Manipulators: Simple Strategies to Regain Control

    Within human interactions, manipulators may use emotional intelligence (EI) to their benefit. EI, the ability to recognize and manage both one’s own and others’ emotions, can be ethically powerful. Yet, in the hands of manipulators, it becomes a tool for exploitative and harmful behaviors.

    Such individuals might employ their EI to create positive impressions, impair others’ critical thinking, and influence emotions, motivating actions contrary to the individuals’ best interests. Confronting a manipulator is emotionally taxing and difficult, but identifying their tactics is essential for self-protection.

    This article aims to explore methods for spotting manipulative behaviors, strategies for countering them, and the significance of establishing a support network to assist in navigating these complex scenarios.

    Identifying Manipulative Behavior

    Identifying-Manipulative-Behavior

    Recognizing the Signs: Identifying manipulative behavior can be challenging, especially when the manipulator is skilled and subtle in their tactics. Here are some key signs to look out for:

    One of the most common signs is the inconsistency between words and actions. Manipulators often make promises or commitments that they have no intention of keeping.

    For example, they might volunteer to help you with a task, only to act like a martyr later on, making you feel guilty for asking in the first place. Another sign is the use of guilt-tripping.

    Manipulators will often make you feel guilty or responsible for something that is not your fault. This can be done through verbal or non-verbal cues, such as frowning or making passive-aggressive comments.

    For instance, if you decline a request, they might say something like, “If you really cared about me, you would do this for me”. Manipulators also often engage in love-bombing, where they shower you with excessive attention and flattery to gain your trust quickly.

    However, once they have achieved their goal, this behavior can abruptly stop, leaving you feeling confused and possibly hurt. Additionally, manipulators may use tactics like gaslighting, where they deny or distort reality to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, or sanity.

    This can include denying previous agreements or conversations, or telling you that you are overreacting or imagining things. Understanding the Mechanisms To effectively identify and counter manipulative behavior, it’s important to understand the underlying mechanisms that manipulators use.

    Manipulators often exploit vulnerabilities such as the desire to please others, addiction to earning approval, and a fear of negative emotions (emotophobia). They may also target individuals with low self-reliance, a blurry sense of identity, or those who have a submissive or dependent personality. Manipulation can also involve coercive control, where the manipulator takes charge of your schedule, money, or connections.

    They might change the rules or expectations frequently, making it difficult for you to achieve your goals or feel secure in the relationship. Emotional blackmail is another powerful tool manipulators use. This involves using guilt, fear, or obligation to control your decisions and actions.

    For example, they might threaten to end the relationship or reveal sensitive information unless you comply with their demands. Understanding these mechanisms can help you recognize when you are being manipulated and take steps to protect yourself from these tactics.

    Strategies to Counter Manipulation

    strategies-to-counter-manipulation

    Setting Boundaries is one of the most effective strategies to counter manipulative behavior. Boundaries act as a protective shield, delineating your personal space, needs, and values, which is important for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being.

    To forge healthy boundaries, it’s imperative to first understand your own values, beliefs, and needs. Contemplate what matters to you and what is necessary for you to feel valued and respected in any relationship.

    Creating these boundaries means communicating your needs in a way that is clear and straightforward, avoiding any punitive or controlling tone. For instance, if a manipulative family member attempts to guilt-trip you into doing something against your will, you might set a boundary by stating, “I understand you’re seeking help, but I’m unable to assist at this moment. Here’s what I can offer instead.” This method ensures your limits are understood without ambiguity. Addressing boundary infringements promptly is also critical. If someone consistently disregards your boundaries, it’s vital to engage in an open and candid discussion about how their actions are impacting you.

    Use concrete instances of their behavior and share your feelings in a calm and assertive manner. Staying Emotionally Detached is another powerful tactic to disarm manipulators. Manipulators often depend on eliciting intense emotions to exert control over their targets. Keeping an emotional distance can effectively counter this strategy.

    When interacting with manipulative individuals, maintaining self-control and not allowing them to unsettle you is key. Do not take their behavior personally; remember, their manipulation stems from their own inadequacies in fulfilling their needs healthily, not from anything related to you.

    Remaining composed and logical can lessen the manipulator’s influence over you. Sidestepping emotional responses prevents escalation and reduces the manipulator’s control. Instead, adopting assertive communication techniques helps you preserve your boundaries and stop further manipulation.

    Moreover, subtly acknowledging their tactics without being overtly confrontational can lead the manipulator to overestimate their influence. This can be part of a sophisticated counter-manipulation strategy, turning the tables and making them the victim of their own game. By staying emotionally detached and enforcing clear boundaries, you can significantly diminish the effects of manipulative behaviors and safeguard your interests.

    Building a Support System

    building-a-support-system

    When dealing with manipulative individuals, seeking professional help can be a key step in managing the situation effectively and protecting your mental health. Professional support can provide you with the tools and strategies necessary to navigate these complex relationships.

    Therapists or counselors who specialize in emotional manipulation and abuse can offer valuable insights and coping mechanisms. They can help you develop assertive communication skills, set and maintain healthy boundaries, and address any emotional or psychological impact the manipulation may have had on you. Professional support also provides a safe and confidential space to discuss your feelings and experiences without fear of judgment.

    This can be particularly important if you are dealing with a manipulative family member, romantic partner, or colleague, where the dynamics can be highly complex and emotionally charged. Additionally, therapists can help you identify and challenge negative self-beliefs that the manipulator may have instilled in you, and guide you in building self-confidence and self-esteem.

    This process of healing and empowerment is essential for long-term resilience against manipulation.

    Leveraging community and networks Apart from professional help, building a strong support system through community and social networks is vital for coping with manipulative behavior.

    Having trusted friends and family members who can offer genuine emotional support can make a significant difference. These individuals can provide a second perspective on the situation, validate your feelings, and offer practical advice on how to handle the manipulator.

    Engaging with diverse community networks can also help you build empathy and gain broader support from others who may have experienced similar situations. Support groups, whether online or in-person, can be a powerful resource.

    These groups provide a safe space to share your experiences, learn from others, and gain insights into effective coping strategies. Being part of a community that understands the challenges of dealing with manipulators can help you feel less isolated and more empowered to take action.

    Moreover, community connections can help you develop social-emotional learning (SEL) skills, such as self-awareness, self-control, and interpersonal skills, which are essential for mental resilience. Schools and community programs that focus on teaching these skills can also be beneficial, especially for young people who may be more vulnerable to manipulation. By leveraging both professional help and community support, you can build a robust support system that helps you navigate and overcome manipulative relationships.

    Conclusion

    Dealing with manipulators requires a combination of awareness, strategic action, and strong support systems. Remember to identify manipulative behavior by recognizing signs such as inconsistency, guilt-tripping, and emotional blackmail. Setting clear boundaries and staying emotionally detached are important in neutralizing their tactics. Seeking professional help and leveraging community and social networks can provide the necessary support and tools to manage these situations effectively.

    Take action by asserting your needs clearly, avoiding emotional reactions, and maintaining a consistent tone. Don’t let manipulators exploit your vulnerabilities; instead, build your emotional intelligence and self-confidence. By being proactive and informed, you can protect yourself from manipulation and foster healthier, more respectful relationships.

  • Proven Hacks: How to Build Unbreakable Self-Confidence

    Proven Hacks: How to Build Unbreakable Self-Confidence

    Proven Hacks: How to Build Unbreakable Self-Confidence (57 characters)

    Building self-confidence is a transformative journey that profoundly influences your mental health, self-esteem, social interactions, and overall well-being. Feeling confident empowers you to embrace new challenges, foster healthy relationships, and achieve your aspirations.

    Yet, for many, low self-confidence acts as a formidable obstacle, fostering self-doubt and undermining self-efficacy. If you’re on a quest to enhance your self-confidence and cultivate a robust self-esteem, you’ve found your starting line.

    This guide will navigate you through effective strategies to bolster your confidence and self-assurance, paving the way for a more rewarding life.

    Self-confidence transcends mere self-perception; it shapes your interactions with others and your approach to the world. It’s a cornerstone of your personality, social life, and performance in various life domains. By integrating simple yet impactful self-help techniques into your daily life, you can commence the journey to heightened self-confidence and improved mental health.

    We will delve into the top hacks to elevate your confidence, ranging from fostering a positive self-dialogue to consistently challenging yourself.

    1. Cultivate a Positive Self-Dialogue

    cultivate-a-positive-self-dialogue

    Practice Positive Self-Talk

    Cultivating a positive self-dialogue is an essential step in building self-confidence. Positive self-talk involves replacing negative and critical inner voices with supportive and encouraging ones. This practice can significantly impact your mental health, self-esteem, and overall confidence.

    To start, become aware of your inner dialogue and identify instances of negative self-talk. Ask yourself if you would speak to a friend in the same critical manner you sometimes use with yourself.

    If not, it’s time to make a change.

    One effective strategy is to challenge and replace negative thoughts with positive or neutral ones. For example, if you think, “I won’t be able to cope with this situation,” reframe it as “I am coping quite well, given everything else that is going on. This situation is stressful, but it will pass.”.

    Positive affirmations can also be a powerful tool. Repeat positive statements to yourself, such as “I am doing well,” or “I am capable of handling this challenge.” These affirmations can help shift your mindset to a more optimistic and supportive one. Additionally, surround yourself with positive influences, including people and media, to reinforce this positive self-talk.

    For a quick assessment of your mental well-being, check out the TheraConnect Mental Health Quiz.

    Embrace Your Strengths

    Embracing your strengths is another key aspect of cultivating a positive self-dialogue. Recognizing and acknowledging your strengths can boost your self-confidence and self-esteem.

    Make a conscious effort to identify what you are good at and what you have achieved. Accept compliments graciously and reflect on them positively.

    This helps to reinforce a positive self-image and encourages you to build on your strengths rather than focusing on your weaknesses.

    Practicing gratitude is also beneficial. Focus on the things you are grateful for, which can help shift your attention from negative thoughts to positive ones.

    Keeping a gratitude journal or simply taking a moment each day to reflect on the good things in your life can make a significant difference in how you feel about yourself and your abilities.

    By combining the practice of positive self-talk with an emphasis on your strengths, you can create a more supportive and encouraging inner dialogue. This will help you feel more confident, motivated, and capable of tackling the challenges that come your way.

    2. Set Achievable Goals

    set-achievable-goals

    Breaking It Down

    Setting achievable goals is a fundamental step in building self-confidence. When goals are too broad or unrealistic, they can lead to frustration and disappointment, which can further erode your self-confidence. To avoid this, it’s essential to break down larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks.

    This approach makes the goal-setting process less overwhelming and more achievable.

    Using the SMART goal framework can be highly effective. SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For example, if your goal is to improve your physical health, a SMART goal might be: “I will engage in a 30-minute walk, three times a week, for the next six weeks.” This goal is clear, measurable, achievable, relevant to your health, and has a specific timeframe.

    Breaking down goals also helps in identifying and leveraging your strengths and weaknesses. By understanding your core values and inherent strengths, you can align your goals in a way that maximizes your chances of success. Additionally, being honest about your weaknesses allows you to plan around potential pitfalls, which can further boost your self-confidence and self-respect.

    Celebrate Small Victories

    Celebrating small victories is essential for maintaining motivation and building self-confidence. Achieving smaller goals releases a sense of accomplishment and boosts your self-esteem. Each completed goal serves as proof of your capability, chipping away at negative self-beliefs and reinforcing the idea that you are competent and capable.

    Recognizing and celebrating these small wins helps to create a positive feedback loop. As you achieve each goal, you build momentum and confidence, which in turn motivates you to set and achieve even more challenging goals. This cycle of achievement and celebration reinforces your self-confidence, making it easier to tackle larger and more complex goals over time.

    Moreover, celebrating small victories helps shift your focus away from perceived flaws and toward your strengths and abilities. This positive focus enhances your overall self-image and encourages you to continue striving for improvement and growth.

    3. Challenge Yourself Regularly

    challenge-yourself-regularly

    Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

    Challenging yourself regularly is a powerful way to build self-confidence and boost your self-esteem. One of the most effective methods to achieve this is by stepping out of your comfort zone.

    When you engage in activities that push you beyond what you are accustomed to, you demonstrate to yourself that you are capable of more than you thought possible.

    Simple acts like trying a new recipe, taking yourself to a coffee shop or lunch alone, or starting a conversation with a stranger can be significant steps. These small challenges help you realize that you can handle situations that initially seem daunting, thereby increasing your confidence and self-assurance.

    For instance, taking on a task that makes you feel nervous, such as public speaking or acting in front of an audience, can be incredibly empowering. Even if it feels uncomfortable at first, the sense of accomplishment you feel after overcoming your fear can be transformative.

    It teaches you that stress and challenges are opportunities for growth rather than threats to your well-being.

    Learn New Skills

    Learning new skills is another excellent way to challenge yourself and enhance your self-confidence. Engaging in activities that expand your horizons, such as learning a new language, taking a dance class, or mastering a new hobby, can significantly boost your self-esteem.

    When you embark on learning something new, you are not only acquiring a new skill but also proving to yourself that you are capable of learning and adapting. This process reinforces your self-efficacy and makes you more confident in your ability to tackle new challenges. Reflecting on past successes, such as times when you learned a new skill, can also remind you of your capabilities and reinforce your self-worth.

    Moreover, the act of learning itself can be highly rewarding. It keeps your mind engaged, provides a sense of accomplishment, and opens up new opportunities.

    Whether it’s through online courses, workshops, or self-study, the process of learning new skills is a continuous reminder of your potential and capabilities, further enhancing your self-confidence and overall mental health.

    Conclusion

    In conclusion, building self-confidence is a journey that requires consistent effort and a positive mindset. To summarize, cultivating a positive self-dialogue through positive self-talk and embracing your strengths is essential. Setting achievable goals and celebrating small victories helps to build momentum and reinforce your capabilities.

    Challenging yourself regularly by stepping out of your comfort zone and learning new skills can significantly boost your self-confidence and self-esteem.

    Remember to practice self-care, build positive relationships, and work on a growth mindset to support your confidence journey. Acknowledge your achievements, speak positively to yourself, and minimize negative thoughts. By incorporating these strategies into your daily life, you can develop a healthier self-image, improve your mental health, and live a more confident and fulfilling life.

    Take the first step today, and watch your self-confidence grow over time.

  • World Mental Care Day: Your To-Do List for Inner Peace.

    World Mental Care Day: Your To-Do List for Inner Peace.

    Today, we’re not just observing World Mental Care Day—we’re taking action. If you’ve felt helpless against anxiety, this is your permission to reclaim control gently.

    Forget vague resolutions. Here are the practical steps you can start today with ease.

    Physical Symptoms of Anxiety

    Anxiety isn’t just a mental challenge—it’s a physical takeover. A rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, and muscle tension are all signs that your body’s panic response is taking control.

    Today, on World Mental Care Day, the most effective action you can take is to equip yourself with an immediate, physical tool to interrupt that spiral before it takes over. You don’t need a resource; you need your breath.

    For a quick assessment of your mental well-being, check out the TheraConnect Mental Health Quiz.

    The 60-Second Anchor Technique

    This simple technique is designed to physically slow your heart rate and signal to your nervous system that you are safe. Commit to practicing it for 60 seconds, three times today:

    1. Inhale (4 Seconds): Slowly draw a deep breath in through your nose, counting to four. Focus on filling your belly, not just your chest.
    2. Hold (4 Seconds): Gently hold the breath in for a slow count of four.
    3. Exhale (6 Seconds): Slowly release the breath through your mouth, extending the count to six. This longer exhale is key to calming your body.

    Repeat this cycle until 60 seconds have passed. This deliberate action shifts control from your sympathetic (fight-or-flight) nervous system back to your parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) system.

    Start right now. Give yourself this 60-second gift of immediate control.

  • Is your partner a man child no wonder you don’t feel like sex

    Is your partner a man child no wonder you don’t feel like sex

    A man sits on the couch, watching TV. His partner, a woman, prepares dinner, while mentally ticking off her to-do list. That includes returning her partner’s shirts she’d ordered online for him last week, and booking a GP appointment for their youngest child.

    He walks in and asks her “what’s for dinner?”, then goes back to the TV.

    Later that night, he’s surprised she’s not interested in sex.

    The people in this scenario are a woman and a man. But it could be a woman and her child. The dynamics are very similar – one person providing instrumental and emotional care, and the other receiving that care while showing little acknowledgement, gratitude or reciprocation.

    You’re reading about a man who depends on his partner for everyday tasks that he is actually capable of. Some people call this the “man-child” phenomenon.

    Maybe you’ve lived it. Our research shows it’s real.


    Read more: Sorry, men, there’s no such thing as ‘dirt blindness’ – you just need to do more housework


    The Man-child is Real

    The man-child phenomenon (or perceiving a partner as dependent, as we call it) describes the blurring of roles between a partner and a child.

    You may hear women describe their male partners as their “dependent” or one of their children.

    When a partner starts to feel like they have a dependent child, it’s not surprising if that affects a woman’s sexual desire for him.

    We set out to explore whether this might explain why many women partnered with men report low sexual desire.

    Surprisingly, until our study, there were no studies that had tried to directly measure the impact of the man-child phenomenon on women’s sexual desire.


    Read more: Don’t blame women for low libido. Sexual sparks fly when partners do their share of chores – including calling the plumber


    What We Did?

    We conducted two studies with more than 1,000 women from around the world, in relationships with men. All our participants had children under the age of 12.

    We asked the women to rate their agreement with statements like, “Sometimes I feel as though my partner is like an extra child I need to look after.” We also asked them about the division of household labour in their relationship, and their level of sexual desire for their partner.

    We found consistent evidence that:

    • when women performed more household labour than their partner, they were more likely to perceive their partner as dependents (that is, the man-child phenomenon)
    • perceiving a partner as a dependent was associated with lower sexual desire for that partner.

    When taken together, you could say women’s partners were taking on an unsexy role – that of a child.

    There could be other explanations. For instance, women who perceive their partners as dependents may be more likely to do more around the house. Alternatively, low desire for a partner may lead to the partner being perceived as a dependent. So we need more research to confirm.

    Our research highlights a pretty bleak snapshot of what people’s relationships can involve. And while the man-child phenomenon may not exist for you, it reflects broader gendered inequities in relationships.


    Read more: Yet again, the census shows women are doing more housework. Now is the time to invest in interventions


    Is There a Man-child Equivalent in Same-sex Relationships?

    Our research was solely about relationships between women and men, with children. But it would be interesting to explore if the man-child phenomenon exists in same-sex or gender-diverse relationships, and what the impact might be on sexual desire.

    One possibility is that, in relationships between two women, men, or non-binary people, household labour is more equitably negotiated. As a result, the mother-child dynamic may be less likely to emerge. But no-one has studied that yet.

    Another possibility is that one person in the relationship (regardless of gender identity) takes on a more feminine role. This may include more of the mothering, nurturing labour than their partner(s). If that was the case, we might see the man-child phenomenon in a broader range of relationships. Again, no-one has studied this.

    Perhaps, anyone could be the “man-child” in their relationship.

    For a quick assessment of your mental well-being, check out the TheraConnect Mental Health Quiz.


    Read more: Women aren’t better multitaskers than men – they’re just doing more work


    What Else Don’t We Know?

    Such future research may help explore different types of relationship dynamics more broadly.

    This may help us understand what sexual desire might look like in relationships where roles are equitably negotiated, chosen, and renegotiated as needed.

    We might learn what happens when household labour is valued like paid labour. Or what happens when both partners support each other and can count on each other for daily and life needs.

    Women might be less likely to experience their partners as dependents and feel more sexual desire for them. In other words, the closer we are to equity in actively caring for each other, the closer we might be to equity in the capacity for feeling sexual desire with our partner.

    We thank Aki Gormezano, who was a coauthor on the paper discussed in this article.

    Emily Harris

    I am interested in how our beliefs about gender can shape our intimate, sexual experiences. People learn a lot about how they are expected to move through the world based on gender. If you are a woman, you are expected to be warm and caring. If you are a man, you are expected to be confident and strong. How might these expectations influence people’s sex lives?

    Canada 150 Research Chair in Social Neuroendocrinology, Sexuality, & Gender/Sex, Queen’s University, Ontario

    Dr Sari Avens

  • First Virtual Therapy Session: What to Expect and How to Prepare

    First Virtual Therapy Session: What to Expect and How to Prepare

    Your First Virtual Therapy Session: What to Expect and How to Prepare

    Starting therapy is a significant, brave step toward better mental health. If you’ve chosen a convenient online platform like TheraConnect, you might wonder how a virtual session works—and if it’s truly effective. The good news? Preparing for your first video meeting is easier than you think, and its effectiveness is backed by research.

    This guide covers everything you need to know about your first virtual therapy session: from tech checks to what questions to expect, ensuring you walk in (or log on!) feeling confident.

    What Makes Virtual Therapy Effective?

    Before diving into preparation, it’s helpful to know that virtual therapy (or telehealth) is proven to be just as effective as in-person therapy for most common mental health concerns, including anxiety, depression, and stress management.

    The key benefits of the virtual model are:

    • Accessibility: You can connect with specialized Mental Care Professionals regardless of location.
    • Comfort: You attend the session from your most comfortable, safe space (your home).
    • Consistency: Scheduling is often more flexible, reducing the likelihood of missed appointments.

    Phase 1: Preparation—4 Steps to Log-In Success

    A successful virtual session starts before the screen lights up. Use this checklist to ensure your environment is optimal for vulnerability and focus.

    1. Test Your Tech

    Your focus should be on the session, not the connection.

    • Internet: Ensure your Wi-Fi signal is strong. Consider using a wired connection if possible.
    • Hardware: Use a computer or tablet rather than a phone for a larger screen and better video stability. Test your microphone and camera 15 minutes before the session starts.
    • Platform Access: If using TheraConnect’s proprietary portal, log in early to ensure your credentials work.

    2. Create a Sacred, Private Space

    The effectiveness of therapy hinges on confidentiality.

    • Privacy: Choose a room where you can close the door. Use headphones or earbuds to prevent your therapist’s voice from being overheard. If privacy is an issue, consider sitting in your car or a quiet private office.
    • Comfort: Keep a glass of water, tissues, and a notepad nearby. Wear comfortable clothes.

    3. Know Your Goals (The 3-Minute Summary)

    The first session is primarily an assessment, but having a short summary prepared can help you utilize your time efficiently.

    • Be Ready to Summarize: Have a 2-3 sentence answer prepared for the question, “What brings you to therapy right now?” (e.g., “I’m struggling with chronic anxiety that affects my sleep, and I need tools to manage work stress.”)
    • Goal List: Write down 1-3 specific, achievable goals (e.g., “Reduce panic attacks to once a month,” or “Feel more confident setting boundaries”).

    4. Turn Off Notifications

    Completely silence your phone and computer notifications. Even a small ping can break your concentration and disrupt a moment of deep vulnerability. Your therapist needs your full, uninterrupted attention.

    Phase 2: What to Expect in Your First Session

    The first 45-60 minutes are not about solving your biggest problems; they are about establishing trust and history.

    1. The Intake Process (The Paperwork Part)

    The therapist will start with the necessary administrative and ethical groundwork. They will review:

    • Confidentiality: A detailed explanation of who they can talk to (generally, no one) and the legal exceptions (harm to self or others, or mandated reporting).
    • Logistics: Their cancellation policy, fee structure, and how they handle scheduling.

    2. The Relationship History

    Expect the therapist to take a detailed history of various aspects of your life. This gives them context for your current struggles.

    • Personal History: Basic background information (family, job, education).
    • Symptom History: When did your current struggle begin, how frequently does it happen, and what have you tried to do about it?
    • Mental Health History: Have you been in therapy before? Have you received a diagnosis?

    3. Setting the Tone: The Collaborative Agreement

    Remember that therapy is a collaboration. Your therapist is not just listening; they are evaluating the best approach.

    • Ask Questions: Do not be afraid to ask your therapist about their experience, their approach, or their therapeutic modality (e.g., “Do you practice CBT or focus more on trauma?”).
    • Manage Expectations: You won’t leave with all the answers, but you should leave with a sense of connection and hope. The goal is simply to determine if you feel this person is the right fit for your journey.

    Next Steps: Trusting the Process

    If you felt a good connection, book your next 1-2 sessions immediately to maintain momentum. If you didn’t connect, that’s okay! Therapy is highly personal. TheraConnect provides access to a diverse network of professionals, and finding the right fit is part of the process.

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  • The Top 5 Benefits of Online Counseling for Anxiety and Stress

    The Top 5 Benefits of Online Counseling for Anxiety and Stress

    In today’s fast-paced world, feelings of chronic anxiety and stress are widespread. Fortunately, advancements in telehealth have made support more accessible than ever before. Choosing online counseling for anxiety offers powerful advantages that traditional, in-person therapy often can’t match.

    Here are the top five benefits of using virtual therapy to manage your mental health.

    1. Unmatched Convenience and Accessibility

    Online counseling removes two of the most significant barriers to starting therapy: time and travel. You eliminate the commute, the time spent in a waiting room, and the need to arrange childcare. This accessibility means you can schedule sessions during a lunch break, before work, or even late in the evening, making consistent therapy a reality.

    2. Comfort in Your Own Environment

    For many people dealing with anxiety, leaving the house, especially during a peak panic or highly stressful day, can be difficult. Virtual therapy for stress allows you to attend sessions from the place where you feel safest and most comfortable: your home, your office, or a quiet space. This sense of security can lead to deeper, more honest conversations sooner than in an unfamiliar clinic.

    3. A Wider Pool of Specialists

    If you live in a rural area or have a niche mental health need, finding a local specialist can be nearly impossible. Online platforms like TheraConnect.net connect you with licensed therapists across your state (or even country, depending on licensing laws). This significantly increases your odds of finding a provider specializing in your exact condition, whether it’s generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, or health anxiety.

    4. Easier Integration into Daily Life

    A key part of anxiety management is practicing coping skills in real-world scenarios. With online counseling, your therapist can work with you in the environment where your stress occurs. For instance, you can take a session right before or after a stressful meeting, making it easier to process the feelings and integrate new relaxation techniques immediately.

    5. Consistency and Reliability

    Consistency is crucial for therapeutic progress. When travel is challenging, the weather is bad, or schedules unexpectedly shift, an in-person appointment is often cancelled. With online therapy, the barrier to attendance is low. This high level of reliability ensures your therapeutic momentum isn’t broken, leading to more predictable and positive outcomes in managing your anxiety and stress.

    If you’re ready to find accessible, high-quality care, explore how online counseling for anxiety can fit into your life today.

  • Find the Right Online Therapist: 5 Steps to Your Perfect Match

    Find the Right Online Therapist: 5 Steps to Your Perfect Match

    Overwhelmed by Choices? 5 Steps to Finding Your Perfect Online Therapist

    Starting therapy is a huge, positive step, but finding the right online therapist can be overwhelming. Many give up, not knowing where to start or how to vet a provider.

    Finding the right online therapist is the most crucial factor for success. It’s about fit, specialization, and logistics. Use this structured, 5-step guide to simplify your search and connect with the professional who can best help you achieve your mental health goals.

    Step 1: Define Your Needs and Non-Negotiables

    Before you even open a directory, you need a clear picture of what you’re looking for. This saves you hours of scrolling and filtering.

    A. Identify the Specialty

    Therapists are not one-size-fits-all. What is the primary issue you want to address?

    Your NeedPossible Specialist Focus
    Relationship issuesLicensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)
    Panic attacks, GADAnxiety Specialist, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
    Trauma, PTSDEMDR Certified Therapist, Trauma-Informed Care
    Depression, MoodClinical Social Worker (LCSW), Psychiatrist (for medication)
    Career stressLicensed Professional Counselor (LPC)

    Action: Write down 2-3 specific topics you want to discuss (e.g., “grief related to job loss” or “managing social anxiety”).

    B. Set Logistical Boundaries

    Online therapy offers flexibility, but you need to align with a therapist’s schedule and payment model.

    • Cost: What is your budget per session? Will they accept your insurance, or are they out-of-network?
    • Availability: Do you need evening or weekend appointments? Only search for those who offer times that genuinely work for you.
    • Cultural Fit: Do you prefer a therapist who shares a specific cultural, religious, or racial background? Filter accordingly.

    Step 2: Use Filters, Directories, and Referral Networks

    Now that you know what you need, use the powerful filtering tools available on platforms like TheraConnect and other reputable directories.

    • Platform Filters: Use keywords like “CBT,” “Trauma,” or “LGBTQIA+” to narrow the list. Filter by insurance provider first.
    • Check Credentials: Look for the letters after their name (e.g., Psy.D., Ph.D., LMFT, LCSW). This confirms they are licensed.
    • Read Their Profile: A good profile will clearly state the therapist’s therapeutic modalities (e.g., Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Psychodynamic, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)). If you defined your needs in Step 1, you can quickly assess if their approach matches your issues.

    Step 3: Vet the Credentials and Licensing

    This is the non-negotiable step for safety and quality. Unlike life coaching or mentorship, licensed therapy is regulated.

    • Verify Licensure: Every licensed mental health professional is registered with a state board. Search the therapist’s name on their State Licensing Board website to confirm they are in good standing. This is public information and gives you peace of mind.
    • Ensure Telehealth Authorization: Confirm that the right online therapist is licensed to practice in your current state. Virtual therapists cannot legally provide care across state lines unless they hold multiple state licenses or the states have reciprocity agreements.

    Step 4: Prepare and Ask Interview Questions

    Think of the initial consultation or first few minutes of the first session as a brief job interview—you are the employer. You need to ensure the therapeutic alliance (the bond between client and therapist) is strong.

    Here are essential questions to ask during a brief introductory call or the start of the first session:

    CategoryKey Questions to Ask
    Experience“Have you worked with [my specific issue, e.g., panic attacks] before? What was your approach?”
    Approach“How do you measure success in therapy?” “What does a typical session with you look like?”
    Logistics“What is your policy if I need to reach you between sessions?”
    Cultural Fit“What is your experience working with clients from diverse backgrounds?”

    Crucial Indicator: Pay attention to how they answer. Are they non-judgmental, warm, and clear? Do you feel listened to and understood?

    Step 5: Trust Your Gut (The “Fit” Check)

    You can have the most qualified therapist in the world, but if the personal chemistry isn’t right, the sessions won’t be effective. The therapeutic alliance is the biggest predictor of success.

    After the first session, ask yourself these three critical questions:

    1. Do I feel heard? Did they actively listen, or did they interrupt or talk about themselves?
    2. Do I feel safe? Did they clearly establish boundaries and respect my vulnerability?
    3. Do I feel challenged (in a good way)? Do I feel like I learned something new, or that they offered a perspective I hadn’t considered?

    If the answer to the first two questions is “Yes,” you’ve likely found a great fit. It can take 2-4 sessions to fully settle in, but if you feel strongly disconnected after the first meeting, it’s okay to move on. Your mental health is worth finding the perfect mat

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  • Legal Perspectives and Challenges in Issue of Revenge Porn

    Legal Perspectives and Challenges in Issue of Revenge Porn

    Nonconsensual pornography, commonly known as “revenge porn,” is a deeply invasive form of abuse where explicit images or videos of individuals are shared without their consent. The laws surrounding this issue vary significantly across the United States, reflecting diverse approaches to addressing this pervasive problem.

    In the United States, laws against nonconsensual pornography are not uniform, with each state having its own specific statutes and penalties. For instance, in Arizona, distributing a nude depiction without consent is a class 5 felony, upgraded to a class 4 felony if the person is recognizable. This can lead to sentences ranging from six months to three years in prison. (FindLaw, 2019).

    In Illinois, nonconsensual dissemination of private sexual images is treated as a class 4 felony. Offenders can face one to three years in prison and fines up to $25,000. Illinois also provides civil remedies for victims, allowing them to recover economic and punitive damages (FindLaw, n.d.).

    States like Delaware categorize violations involving nonconsensual pornography as class A misdemeanours, punishable by up to one year in jail and a $2,300 fine, or class G felonies if aggravating factors are present, which can result in up to five years in prison (FindLaw, n.d.). Similarly, in Florida, first offences are treated as first-degree misdemeanours, while subsequent offences can be classified as third-degree felonies, with penalties including up to five years in prison and fines (FindLaw, n.d.).

    In Hawaii, nonconsensual disclosure of intimate images is treated as a class C felony, punishable by up to five years in prison and fines up to $10,000. Idaho treats similar violations as felonies, with penalties of up to five years in prison and fines of up to $50,000 (FindLaw, n.d.).

    Case Studies and Effectiveness

    Legal challenges, enforcement issues, and the scope of laws significantly impact the effectiveness of these statutes in protecting individuals. For example, the case of Arizona highlights how legal ambiguity and challenges can stall the implementation of protective measures (FindLaw, 2019).

    The distribution networks for revenge porn often exploit loopholes and federal protections like the Communications Decency Act, which limits the liability of platforms hosting such content. This federal law can undermine state efforts to control the dissemination of nonconsensual pornography, as seen in various high-profile cases where victims struggled to remove their images from online platforms (Jeong, 2022).

    In some states, initial offenses might result in misdemeanor charges, which may not serve as a strong deterrent for repeat offenders. In Georgia, for instance, first offenses are treated as aggravated misdemeanors. Still, subsequent offenses can be elevated to felonies with significantly harsher penalties, indicating a tiered approach to deterrence and punishment (FindLaw, n.d.).

    Broader Implications and the Need for Comprehensive Reform

    The disparity in state laws underscores the need for a more unified and comprehensive approach to combat nonconsensual pornography. Advocacy groups argue for stronger federal laws that can effectively address the challenges posed by digital platforms and cross-state distribution. Additionally, there is a call for laws that not only punish offenders but also provide clear avenues for victims to seek redress and have their images removed from the internet.

    Educational initiatives are also crucial in addressing the root causes of nonconsensual pornography. Raising awareness about the legal consequences and promoting respectful digital behaviour can help prevent these incidents.

    A comprehensive approach would also involve improving the technological measures available to victims. For example, developing tools and services that can help victims track down and remove nonconsensual content more efficiently could significantly mitigate the harm caused. Legal frameworks should support these technological advancements by ensuring that victims have the legal right to demand the swift and effective removal of such content.

    International Perspectives

    Looking at international responses can also provide valuable insights. Some countries have implemented more stringent measures against nonconsensual pornography, which can serve as models for reform in the United States. For instance, the United Kingdom has made significant strides with the Criminal Justice and Courts Act 2015, which criminalizes the sharing of private sexual images without consent and imposes severe penalties.

    In conclusion, while many states have enacted laws to criminalize nonconsensual pornography, the effectiveness of these laws varies, and significant challenges remain. A combination of stronger legislation, improved enforcement, and comprehensive support for victims is necessary to address this complex issue effectively. By looking both within and outside the United States, lawmakers can craft more effective responses to ensure that victims of nonconsensual pornography receive the protection and justice they deserve.

    References:

    • FindLaw. (n.d.). State Revenge Porn Laws. Retrieved from FindLaw.
    • FindLaw. (2019). Arizona AG Agrees to Stay Enforcement of ‘Revenge Porn’ Law. Retrieved from FindLaw.
    • Jeong, S. (2022, September 29). Legal protections for revenge porn victims are still a work in progress. The Guardian. Retrieved from The Guardian.