In the phenomenally successful TV show Succession, wealthy media magnate Logan Roy (played by Brian Cox) is frequently cruel to his adult children. He insults them, pits them against each other and can be cold or menacing. Despite the years of torment, the Roy children clearly crave their father’s approval.

The show highlights a struggle some adult children face: the need for approval from an abusive parent.

Some would suggest the solution is simple: cut ties with the parent, limit contact, rid your life of this difficult relationship. But this is often not realistic.

Research into relationships can help us understand why some people desire the approval of a parent who is abusive, insensitive or inconsistent in their love – or who rate high on what’s known as “dark trait” tendencies (narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism).

Attachment anxiety

Studies into parent-child relationships based in attachment theory (a widely researched theory of human bonding) suggest the need for approval is a feature of people who experience an insecure attachment style known as attachment anxiety.

People experiencing attachment anxiety tend to crave relationship closeness, which includes obsessing over a parent or romantic partner, and can hold strong fears of being rejected or abandoned.

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According to attachment theory, attachment anxiety can develop when the care provided by parents or guardians early in life is inept or inconsistent.

Inept or inconsistent care

Inept care is when a parent provides some type of help, but the care provided does not meet the needs of the child.

For example, a child may need encouragement in achieving a challenging task. Instead, the parent provides sympathy and says the task is too hard for the child. The parent may even try to do the task for the child, which can make them feel helpless or even incompetent.

Inconsistent care is when the parent sometimes provides care that meets the child’s needs, triggering happiness or relief in the child. They feel seen, validated, and understood.

On other occasions, however, the parent may respond in ways that do not meet the child’s needs.

The parent may withdraw, avoid, or neglect the child in their time of need. On other occasions, the parent may blame the child for asking for help – or make them feel guilty by framing their request for help as a burden that affects the parent’s own well-being.

Parenting and the dark traits

Some believe these responses by parents are methods to manipulate their children to behave or feel a certain way. Research into the dark traits suggests those who score high on these qualities lack emotional warmth, act in hostile ways, and exert control over their children.

People with these tendencies have been shown to dehumanise others, even those closest to them. This can involve treating family and romantic partners as if they have no feelings, as if they are irrational, stupid, rigid like a robot, or as a means to an end.

Our own work has shown people can act this way because their own parents were hostile towards them some 20 years prior.

Intergenerational transmission

For some parents, however, engaging in inept and inconsistent care is not driven by conscious motivations to manipulate and hurt their children.

Rather, they may not know how to parent differently. It may be that they too had parents who provided inept or inconsistent care.

Many of these parents have difficulties controlling their own distress when parenting their children. For some, their own worries and concerns become so intense they end up focusing on their own worries over those of their children.

This is an example of intergenerational transmission, where patterns of attachment and parenting can be passed from one generation to the next.

A ‘partial reinforcement schedule’

Irrespective of the reason, the fallout of inept or inconsistent caregiving is that children are placed on what’s known as a partial reinforcement schedule.

This is where the child’s cries for help are sometimes attended to. They sometimes receive the love and support they require. But other times, the child experiences invalidation, neglect, or gets the message they are not understood or are harming their parent.

Because of this partial reinforcement schedule, children work harder to gain the attention and love of their parents. The child might think: “If I try that little harder to get their attention and approval, they’ll see what I really need, and they’ll provide me with the love, comfort, acknowledgement I desire”.

How can we break the spell?

The need for approval is powerful for good reason, rooted in a long relationship history with our caregivers. Addressing this need often requires psychological intervention.

Therapies with a strong relational focus can be especially useful in working through issues such as a chronic need for approval. Such therapies include interpersonal therapy and schema therapy.

Schema therapy aims to help people understand why they have such a strong need for approval.

It uses cognitive, behavioural and emotion-focused strategies to help increase a person’s tolerance of disapproval. It might involve helping someone develop a better sense of their own identity, or use imagery techniques and affirmations to help clients validate themselves rather than seeking approval from an insensitive parent.

For people facing these struggles with a parent, try to identify when your need for approval is triggered, the emotions you feel, and what approval-seeking behaviours you engage in. It can help to write a pros and cons list about how the need for approval affects your life. Self-awareness can help lead to behaviour change.

It can also help to celebrate your own successes and identify your own skills and achievements. Doing so can provide you with evidence that challenges your need for approval from others. Developing self-compassion can also help.

Finally, positive affirmations can help challenge your own negative self-beliefs and increase your tendency to be self-approving. This can be as simple as writing down a series of truthful positive statements about yourself. You can refer to these statements when self-doubt creeps in, or when the need for approval of others becomes loud in your mind.

Gery Karantzas is currently a Professor and Director of the Science of Adult Relationships (SoAR) Laboratory in the School of Psychology at Deakin University.

By Dr. Elizabeth Englander and Meghan K. McCoy, Ed.D.

6 Research-based Strategies for Parents, Teachers and Friends

It’s a well-established fact that children’s and teens’ mental health took a hit during the pandemic. But new research suggests that teen girls in particular are suffering in unprecedented ways.

A survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that was published in early February 2023 found that, in 2021, 57% of high school girls reported experiencing “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness in the past year,” up from 36% in 2011. That’s nearly twice as high as the 29% of males who reported having those feelings in 2021.

What’s worse, 30% of the girls surveyed reported seriously considering suicide and 13% attempted suicide one or more times in 2021. That is beyond shocking. It’s appalling.

We are a research team that studies children and their social and emotional development, and during the pandemic we’ve been specifically focused on mental health in children and adolescents. Since 2020, we’ve seen more changes in girls, overall, including increases in depression and thoughts of suicide.

In our view, a number of key factors have converged to create this mental health crisis in teen girls.The stress experienced by teens is unique and significant.

A perfect storm of factors

Previous CDC research has shown that the COVID-19 pandemic disproportionately affected girls. And in a 2021 study that our team conducted with 240 teens, 70% of girls said that they “very much” missed seeing people during the pandemic, compared with only 28% of boys reporting that sentiment.

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Support The Conversation

A second factor is social media, which can be a wonderful source of support but also, at times, a crushing blow to the self-esteem and psychological well-being of girls.

Finally, we think that all young people are struggling with issues like climate change and social upheaval. These aren’t just abstractions for many boys and girls: They are their future. Children and teens are usually neither indifferent to nor unaware of political realities.

So how can parents, teachers and friends help girls through this crisis?

Here are six strategies that research shows can work.

1. More emphasis on social support

Social and emotional connectivity between humans is likely one of the most potent weapons we have against significant stress and sadness. Studies have found strong links between a lack of parental and peer support and depression during adolescence. Support from friends can also help mitigate the link between extreme adolescent anxiety and suicidal thoughts. In one study of teens, social support was linked to greater resilience – such as being better able to withstand certain types of social cruelty like bullying.

2. Supporting one another instead of competing

During the 1970s and 1980s, competition between women was seen as something that held women back. Unfortunately, this message seems to have been lost in the tsunami of media coverage about bodies, looks and social achievement. Research has found that social media encourages competition between girls, particularly around their physical appearance.

Teaching girls at young ages to be cheerleaders for one another – and modeling that behavior as grownups – can help ease the sense of competition that today’s teens are facing.

3. Showcasing achievements

Thinking about your own appearance is natural and understandable. But an overemphasis on what you look like is clearly not healthy, and it is strongly associated with depression and anxiety, especially in women.

Adults can play a key role in encouraging girls to value other qualities, such as their artistic abilities or intelligence. Childhood can be a canvas for children to discover where their talents lie, which can be a source of great satisfaction in life.

One way that adults can help is simply by acknowledging and celebrating those qualities. For instance, at the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center, an organization we direct and manage that is focused on prevention of bullying and cyberbullying, staff members post female achievements – be they intellectual, artistic, scientific, athletic or literary – on social media channels every Friday, using the hashtag #FridaysForFemales.This young woman once felt sad, anxious and trapped.

4. Empowering women

Girls look to grown women for examples of how they can behave and what they can do. You may not be the chief executive officer of a huge corporation, but maybe you are a wonderful teacher, or maybe you run a small business that provides an important product or service. Modeling pro-women attitudes means valuing all of the roles that people play in a society.

In addition, teaching the history behind women’s movements and other important steps toward equality, such as the women’s right to vote, is key to empowering girls to value themselves and their roles. Women played central roles in war efforts during World War II. Women have led social movements and fought for people’s rights. And women have been renowned scientists, writers, artists and experts in virtually every other profession you can name.

5. An honest look at social media

Social media represents a unique form of human interaction that has taken on an outsize role in the lives of teens. This is magnified for teenage girls, for whom every social media interaction may feel consequential and potentially cataclysmic.

Interacting in a fun and positive way with peers on social media platforms can be a positive and affirming experience. On the other hand, seeing the things that others post, and comparing it with your own stuff, can make people of any age feel anxious about how they’re appearing, and whether they’re being socially included or excluded. This anxiety applies to both boys and girls, but the potential for emotional distress seems to be higher for girls.

Awareness of how social media has the capacity to influence your feelings and mental health seems to help people keep some distance from their interactions on social media. Adults can help girls by discussing with them how social media influences their feelings, their self-perception and even their body image.

6. Teaching kids to recognize their feelings

Learning to recognize and label feelings doesn’t come automatically for many people. The good news, though, is that kids can learn ways to help themselves when they’re experiencing anxiety or depression. Kids can learn to appreciate how hugging their dog, playing a board game, or talking with their parent(s) can help reduce anxiety, once they understand the feelings.

We think it’s worth noting that everything discussed here can also be helpful for boys, who are by no means immune to mental health problems. Encouraging achievement recognition, understanding how moods can be influenced by social media, and increasing support for both boys and girls is a positive step as we move toward a post-pandemic world.

Dr. Elizabeth Englander is the founder and Executive Director of the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center at Bridgewater State University, a Center which delivers programs, resources, and research to more than 400 schools every year nationwide

Meghan K. McCoy, Ed.D. is the Manager of Programs at the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center, at Bridgewater

State University

Reprinted with permission

Symbols representing mental health recovery include a wide variety of images and ideas that communicate resilience, healing, and personal development. These symbols serve as sources of hope and empowerment for people working toward mental wellness, whether physical or conceptual. From transformative imagery like the lotus to rebirth symbolism like the phoenix, each carries significant meaning and encourages inner strength.

Key Points About Recovery Symbols

Recovery symbols represent resilience and transformation, reflecting individual healing journeys. They function as meaningful reminders of hope and advancement, connecting with different paths toward wellness. These representations communicate strength, determination, and overcoming challenges in the mental health recovery process.

Frequently Used Symbols in Mental Health Recovery

Various symbols commonly appear in discussions of mental health recovery, each carrying distinct meanings related to hope, resilience, and the healing journey.

The Semicolon

The semicolon represents hope and continuation, symbolizing a moment when someone chose to continue their story rather than end their life. This punctuation mark reminds us that our narratives continue beyond difficult moments.

The Butterfly

The butterfly represents transformation and rebirth, emerging from its cocoon to symbolize the journey from struggle to freedom. In mental health contexts, it demonstrates that change is achievable and beauty can emerge from hardship.

The Phoenix

The phoenix is a legendary bird that rises from its ashes, representing rebirth and renewal. This representation communicates overcoming adversity and developing greater strength, reminding us that recovery is possible even after the most challenging circumstances.

The Lotus Flower

The lotus flower grows in muddy water but blooms beautifully above the surface, symbolizing purity, enlightenment, and overcoming obstacles. For mental health recovery, it illustrates growth and resilience despite difficult circumstances.

The Infinity Symbol

The infinity symbol represents the endless journey of mental health recovery, reminding us that recovery is not linear but ongoing. This symbol promotes persistence and understanding that healing requires time.

The Green Ribbon

The green ribbon is the universal symbol for mental health awareness. Displaying this ribbon demonstrates support for individuals experiencing mental health challenges, promotes awareness, reduces stigma, and encourages open dialogue about mental health.

Cultural and Religious Symbolism in Mental Health Recovery

Symbols from different cultural and religious traditions provide comfort and significance during the healing process, offering distinct forms of support throughout recovery journeys.

Indigenous Healing Symbols

Indigenous cultures use healing symbols to connect with their traditions and nature, such as the medicine wheel representing balance and harmony through colors and directions. Dreamcatchers offer protection against negativity and disturbing dreams. These symbols help individuals connect with cultural heritage while providing feelings of belonging and protection during recovery.

Religious Icons and Their Significance

Religious symbols carry deep meanings and provide spiritual support during mental health recovery. The Christian cross communicates hope, love, and forgiveness, while the Hindu Om symbol represents universal interconnectedness, encouraging inner peace and mindfulness. These icons offer comfort and strengthen connections to spiritual beliefs, supporting emotional and mental healing.

Cultural Symbol Variations

Different cultures have unique symbols reflecting their values and beliefs. Japanese cherry blossoms represent life’s beauty and impermanence, encouraging appreciation of each moment. Celtic knots, with their continuous loops, symbolize eternity and interconnectedness, providing a sense of support and continuity. These cultural variations allow individuals to draw strength from their heritage and discover personal meaning in recovery.

Personal Symbols in Mental Health Recovery

Individual symbols can significantly impact mental health recovery by providing unique, meaningful representations of personal journeys, challenges, and victories.

Creating Individual Symbols

Creating your own symbol can be powerful in mental health recovery, representing personal strength, hope, or achievements. These symbols provide visual reminders of your journey and progress. Consider what matters most to you—an object, animal, or shape with special meaning. Design it in a way that resonates personally. This becomes a source of inspiration, reminding you daily of your resilience and courage.

Symbolism in Art Therapy

Art therapy uses symbols to express feelings, ideas, and experiences that are difficult to verbalize. Creating art becomes a communication method for emotions and thoughts. Symbols in art can reveal hidden feelings and enhance self-understanding. A tree might represent personal growth, while stormy skies could symbolize struggles. Through art, you can explore and process emotions safely and creatively, facilitating healing.

The Role of Tattoos in Recovery

Tattoos can play a significant role in mental health journeys, with many people getting tattoos to symbolize their journey and strength. Semicolon tattoos serve as permanent reminders of overcoming difficulties and progress achieved. For some, tattoos mark milestones like maintaining sobriety or surviving difficult periods. They can be empowering, providing control over one’s body and narrative. Through meaningful designs, individuals carry recovery symbols with them, offering constant motivation and pride.

Books, Movies, and Media Featuring Recovery Symbols

Books and movies often use powerful symbols to represent recovery from mental health challenges. The phoenix rising appears in stories symbolizing rebirth and overcoming adversity. In “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” the tunnel represents the healing journey. Films like “A Beautiful Mind” employ intricate patterns to symbolize mental health complexity and recovery. These symbols help audiences connect with character journeys, providing hope and inspiration.

Music and Lyrics as Healing Symbols

Music and lyrics play crucial roles in symbolizing healing from mental health conditions. Songs like “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten use empowering lyrics to represent strength and perseverance. Artists employ metaphors like clearing storms to represent overcoming difficult times. Listening to these songs provides relief and hope, making listeners feel understood and supported. Music therapy utilizes these symbolic elements to support recovery, demonstrating music’s profound impact on mental health healing.

Social Media Movements and Hashtags

Social media movements and hashtags actively symbolize mental health recovery, with campaigns like #MentalHealthAwareness and #BreakTheStigma encouraging open conversations. These movements establish supportive communities where individuals share recovery stories, provide advice, and offer encouragement. Hashtags like #HealingJourney and #RecoveryWarrior symbolize personal growth and resilience. Through participation in these movements, individuals feel less isolated and more empowered in their recovery journeys.

Frequently Asked Questions

What represents positive mental health?

Positive mental health involves emotional well-being, resilience, and the ability to manage stress, featuring feeling good about oneself, maintaining fulfilling relationships, and having a sense of purpose. It enables individuals to cope with challenges, contribute meaningfully to communities, and experience balanced, fulfilling lives, characterized by self-acceptance, personal growth, and adapting to change while maintaining positive outlooks.

What are the most common symbols used to represent mental health recovery?

Common symbols for mental health recovery include the semicolon representing continuation and hope, the green ribbon symbolizing mental health awareness, and the butterfly signifying transformation and resilience. The lotus flower represents growth and overcoming adversity, while the phoenix symbolizes rebirth and renewal. These symbols communicate strength, hope, and the healing journey.

What is a symbol of healing through pain?

The phoenix symbolizes healing through pain, representing resilience and transformation arising from adversity. In mythology, the phoenix rises from its ashes, symbolizing renewal and strength gained through overcoming struggles. This powerful symbol illustrates healing processes in which individuals emerge stronger and wiser after enduring and transcending pain and hardship.

🧠 The Mental Health Effects of Cancel Culture

Cancel culture, often defined as the mass withdrawal of support (social and professional) from public figures or companies after they have said or done something objectionable, has significant and often complex mental health implications for everyone involved.

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📉 Effects on the “Canceled” Individual

For the person targeted by “cancellation,” the mental health toll can be severe and immediate:

• Intense Public Shaming and Trauma: The sudden, rapid, and worldwide exposure to criticism, threats, and ridicule can feel like a traumatic experience, similar to a digital mobbing.
• Acute Anxiety and Depression: The loss of reputation, income, and professional identity often triggers acute anxiety, severe depression, and feelings of hopelessness. The sudden shift from admired to outcast can be psychologically devastating.
• Fear and Hypervigilance: Individuals often become hypervigilant about their every action, fearing future missteps. Online threats, even if not acted upon, can lead to chronic stress and fear for personal safety.
• Social Isolation: Friends, colleagues, and employers may distance themselves due to fear of association, leading to profound loneliness and loss of support networks.
• Suicidal Ideation: The intensity of the public condemnation and the feeling of having no escape can, in extreme cases, lead to self-harm or suicidal thoughts.

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🛡️ Effects on Observers and Participants

The constant cycle of public scrutiny and condemnation also affects those watching or participating in cancel culture:

• Ambient Anxiety: Many people, especially those whose careers depend on their public image (influencers, writers, academics), experience a low-level, pervasive anxiety about being the next target. This promotes self-censorship and emotional guarding.
• Moral Exhaustion (Outrage Fatigue): Constantly engaging with and reacting to perceived injustices online can lead to a state of emotional and moral exhaustion, where individuals feel overwhelmed and numb to real-world issues.
• Loss of Nuance and Empathy: The “all or nothing” nature of cancellation encourages viewing people as either entirely good or entirely evil. This binary thinking erodes the ability to hold complex, nuanced views about human behavior, hindering forgiveness and empathy.
• Reinforcement of Groupthink: Participating in “canceling” can feel validating, as it reinforces belonging to a specific moral group. However, this pressure to conform can suppress personal dissent and increase anxiety about expressing unique or unpopular opinions.

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✅ The Importance of Restorative Approaches

While holding people accountable for harm is essential for social health, mental health experts often advocate for restorative justice over purely punitive cancellation.

• Focus on Growth: Systems that allow for genuine apology, education, and change (restoration) are psychologically healthier than those that only permit permanent social exile (cancellation).
• Distinguish Between Error and Evil: Recognizing the difference between a clumsy mistake, a poor choice, and genuinely malicious behavior is key to a proportionate, and thus mentally healthier, public response.

The ultimate mental health cost of cancel culture is that it often replaces productive conflict and dialogue with isolating shame and perpetual fear.

Introduction

The Role of Couples Counseling in Relationship Dynamics

In today’s fast-paced world, maintaining a healthy relationship can often feel overwhelming. Couples counseling emerges as a vital resource in navigating these complexities. It provides partners with a structured environment to explore their feelings, communicate effectively, and address underlying issues that may be causing friction.

Consider the story of Sarah and Tom, a couple facing repeated arguments over financial stress. Through counseling, they learned to articulate their concerns and discovered shared solutions, which not only eased their disputes but also strengthened their bond.

Here’s how couples counseling can play a pivotal role in relationship dynamics:

1. Facilitates Open Communication
2. Addresses Unresolved Conflicts
3. Enhances Emotional Intimacy

Through such supportive frameworks, couples can turn challenges into opportunities for growth and connection.

Understanding the Basics of Couples Counseling

Definition and Purpose of Couples Counseling

Couples counseling, also known as relationship therapy, is a professional process designed to help partners work through their issues in a supportive environment. The primary purpose is to enhance communication, resolve conflicts, and strengthen the connection between partners.

When Jamie and Alex sought counseling, they were struggling to understand each other’s perspectives. Through structured sessions, they gained valuable insights, allowing them to bridge the gap in their communication.

Benefits of Seeking Couples Counseling

There are numerous benefits to engaging in couples counseling that can truly transform a relationship:

• Improved Communication Skills
• Better Understanding of Each Other’s Needs
• Conflict Resolution Techniques
• Increased Trust and Intimacy
• And we provide online therapy

For many couples, like Jamie and Alex, these benefits lead to not just the resolution of current issues, but also the building of a healthier framework for their future together. Couples counseling truly acts as a stepping stone towards a more fulfilling partnership.

Signs That Couples Counseling Might Be Beneficial

Communication Challenges in a Relationship

Even the strongest partnerships can face communication hurdles. If couples find themselves frequently misinterpreting each other or avoiding difficult conversations, it might be time to consider counseling. For instance, Anna and Ben often dismissed each other’s feelings, leading to resentment. Through counseling, they learned how critical it is to articulate their thoughts openly.

Signs of communication challenges include:

• Frequent Arguments Over Minor Issues
• Avoidance of Important Conversations
• Feelings of Being Misunderstood

These challenges can create significant barriers within a relationship but addressing them through counseling can lead to transformative changes.

Trust Issues and Infidelity

Trust forms the foundation of any healthy relationship; when shaken, it can lead to deep emotional turmoil. Issues such as infidelity can leave partners feeling devastated and unsure of the future. Laura and Mike faced profound trust issues after Mike’s betrayal. Seeking couples counseling provided them with a safe space to navigate their feelings, allowing them to rebuild their trust incrementally.

Indicators of trust issues may include:

1. Constant Doubt About Each Other’s Loyalty
2. Difficulty Sharing Personal Thoughts
3. Jealousy Over Innocuous Interactions

Addressing these trust issues through guided discussions can pave the way for healing and reconnection, ultimately strengthening the bond between partners.

Common Techniques and Approaches in Couples Counseling

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

One of the most effective techniques in couples counseling is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This approach focuses on the emotional bond between partners and aims to identify and transform negative interaction patterns. For instance, when Lisa and Michael consulted a therapist trained in EFT, they discovered how their emotional reactions during arguments kept them from connecting deeply. Through guided exercises, they learned to express their needs more openly, ultimately revitalizing their relationship.

EFT encourages:

1. Identifying Emotional Triggers
2. Enhancing Emotional Responsiveness
3. Strengthening Attachment Bonds

As couples practice these elements, they often find a renewed sense of closeness.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Couples

Another widely used method is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for couples, focusing on identifying and changing maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. This technique helps partners recognize how their thoughts can influence their feelings and actions within the relationship. For instance, Jake and Emma attended CBT sessions where they learned to replace negative thought patterns—such as assuming the worst about each other’s intentions—with constructive alternatives.

Key tenets of CBT for couples include:

1. Challenging Negative Thought Patterns
2. Developing Problem-Solving Skills
3. Setting Realistic Relationship Goals

By employing CBT techniques, couples can foster healthier interactions and navigate their conflicts more effectively, paving the way for long-term relationship satisfaction.

The Process of Couples Counseling

Setting Goals for Counseling Sessions

An essential aspect of couples counseling is setting clear, measurable goals for the sessions. This step ensures that both partners understand what they want to achieve and keeps them focused throughout the process. For example, when Maya and Chris began their counseling journey, they identified goals like improving their communication and rebuilding trust after a breach.

Setting practical goals often includes:

• Defining Specific Issues to Address
• Establishing Desired Outcomes
• Creating a Timeline for Progress

By collaborating on these goals, couples can find a sense of direction and purpose in their counseling sessions.

Building Effective Communication Skills in the Relationship

Once goals are established, the focus shifts to enhancing communication skills—an integral component of a healthy partnership. Effective communication involves expressing thoughts and feelings while also actively listening to a partner’s perspective. During their sessions, Maya and Chris practiced techniques like “I” statements and reflective listening, which allowed them to communicate respectfully and clearly.

Key techniques to build communication skills include:

• Practicing Active Listening
• Using “I” Statements Instead of Accusatory Language
• Scheduling Regular Check-Ins

As couples like Maya and Chris learn to communicate effectively, they create a stronger foundation for their relationship, fostering understanding and empathy while reducing misunderstandings and conflicts.

Overcoming Resistance to Couples Counseling

Addressing Stigma Associated with Counseling

Despite the many benefits of couples counseling, stigma can often deter partners from seeking help. Many individuals associate counseling with failure or weakness, which creates a barrier to reaching out. Take the case of Rachel and Tom, who initially hesitated to attend therapy due to fears of judgment. Through discussions with supportive friends and educators, they learned that seeking help is a strength rather than a weakness, paving the way for their journey.

To combat stigma, couples can:

• Educate Themselves
• Share Positive Stories About Counseling
• Engage in Open Discussions About Therapy

By reframing their mindset, couples can diminish fears and encourage a proactive approach to relationship health.

Encouraging Both Partners’ Participation

For couples counseling to be effective, both partners need to be engaged and committed to the process. However, one partner may feel reluctant or even resistant. In the case of Rachel and Tom, it took a few heartfelt conversations for Tom to understand the benefits, allowing him to join Rachel in counseling fully.

Here are strategies to encourage participation:

• Highlighting the Mutual Benefits
• Creating a Non-Judgmental Environment
• Allowing Each Partner to Express Their Concerns

When both partners prioritize participation, they lay the groundwork for a more successful counseling experience, fostering a sense of teamwork and commitment to their relationship.

Challenges and Limitations of Couples Counseling

Dealing with Power Imbalance in Relationships

While couples counseling can be transformative, it also presents challenges, one of which is addressing power imbalances within the relationship. In situations where one partner holds more control over decisions or finances, it can create a dynamic that makes it difficult for both voices to be equally heard. For instance, when Lisa and Mark attended counseling, they struggled with issues stemming from Mark’s dominant personality, which silenced Lisa’s opinions.

To effectively address power imbalances, counselors may:

• Encourage Open Dialogue
• Implement Fair Decision-Making Practices
• Explore Underlying Issues of Control

This ensures that both partners feel valued and can participate equally in the counseling process.

Managing Expectations and Realistic Outcomes

Alongside power imbalances, managing expectations is another crucial aspect of couples counseling. Many couples enter therapy with high hopes for a quick fix, only to be disheartened when progress feels slow. Emma and Jake expected their conflicts to resolve overnight, only to realize that meaningful change takes time and effort.

To manage expectations effectively, couples should:

• Set Achievable Goals
• Recognize That Progress Might Be Gradual
• Celebrate Small Victories

Understanding that counseling is a journey filled with ups and downs allows couples to stay committed to the process, fostering patience and resilience as they work towards a healthier relationship.

Success Stories and Testimonials from Couples Counseling

Real-Life Examples of Relationship Transformations

Numerous couples have experienced profound transformations through counseling, turning their struggles into success stories. Take the case of Sarah and David, who were on the brink of separation due to persistent communication issues. After engaging in couples counseling, they learned to articulate their feelings clearly and developed healthier conflict resolution strategies. This transformed their relationship from tumultuous to harmonious, reminding them of their initial connection.

Success stories often highlight:

• Rebuilt Trust After Infidelity
• Enhanced Emotional Intimacy
• Improved Conflict Management

These transformations serve as powerful reminders of the potential for growth and renewal within partnerships.

Impact of Counseling on Relationship Satisfaction

The effects of couples counseling can be substantial, often leading to increased relationship satisfaction. Research indicates that couples who undergo counseling frequently report a renewed sense of connection and understanding. For example, after attending sessions, Lisa and Mark noted a marked improvement in how they perceived each other, leading to a more fulfilling partnership.

Key impacts of counseling include:

• Greater Emotional Support
• Heightened Partnership Satisfaction
• Long-term Commitment to Growth

By sharing these success stories, couples can find hope and motivation, understanding that with effort and dedication, they too can achieve lasting satisfaction in their relationships.

Integrating Couples Counseling into a Long-Term Relationship

Maintaining Healthy Communication Post-Counseling

After completing couples counseling, it’s vital for partners to continue practicing healthy communication techniques learned during sessions. Effective communication doesn’t just happen; it requires ongoing effort and commitment. For example, after their counseling journey, Anna and Ben made it a habit to have weekly check-ins where they openly discussed their feelings and concerns. This practice helped them stay connected and quickly address any emerging issues.

To maintain healthy communication, couples can:

• Schedule Regular ‘State of the Union’ Talks
• Utilize Active Listening Techniques
• Revisit the ‘I’ Statement Approach

By prioritizing communication, partners set the foundation for a lasting bond.

Strategies for Preventing Relationship Conflicts

In addition to maintaining communication, proactively preventing conflicts is essential for relationship longevity. Couples who employ effective strategies to anticipate and address potential issues can minimize the likelihood of misunderstandings. For instance, Laura and Mike focused on identifying common triggers that led to arguments, which allowed them to develop solutions before issues escalated.

Helpful strategies include:

• Recognizing and Discussing Triggers
• Establishing Boundaries and Expectations
• Practicing Compromise and Flexibility

By integrating these strategies into their daily lives, couples can nurture a healthy dynamic, reducing conflicts and fostering a loving partnership that lasts for years to come.

Conclusion

Recap of Benefits of Couples Counseling

Throughout this exploration of couples counseling, it’s clear that the benefits are numerous and impactful. From improving communication to rebuilding trust, counseling provides couples with the tools needed for effective conflict resolution and emotional connection. Couples like Sarah and David, who transformed their relationship through therapy, embody the potential for positive change through counseling.

Key benefits include:

• Enhanced Communication Skills
• Increased Relationship Satisfaction
• Stronger Emotional Bonds

Understanding these advantages encourages couples to view counseling as an opportunity for growth rather than a last resort.

Encouraging Relationship Growth through Counseling

Ultimately, couples counseling has the potential to foster significant growth in any partnership. It encourages a deeper understanding of one another and cultivates a safe space for vulnerability and authenticity. By embracing the counseling process, couples can navigate their challenges with greater resilience and a renewed sense of commitment.

Couples like Laura and Mike, who actively applied the insights gained through therapy, demonstrate that continuous effort and openness can lead to lasting harmony. Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step towards building a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

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You are smart. You are accomplished. You have your life together in ways most people only dream about. Yet, when it comes to love, you keep finding yourself in the same painful place:

• Attracted to partners who cannot (or will not) meet you emotionally.
• Chasing crumbs of affection and reassurance.
• Staying long after the relationship has proven it will never truly nourish you.

It is easy to look at this pattern and decide, “Something must be wrong with me.” However, this cycle is not about personal weakness or failure. It is about attachment theory, unresolved childhood emotional blueprints, and the way your formidable strengths are weaponized against you in love.

Let us break the pattern down, gently, honestly, and without judgment.

1. The Hidden Script: Attachment Styles and Childhood Wounds

The painful dynamic between the highly capable woman and the distant man is a predictable relationship pattern rooted in insecure attachment styles, first theorized by John Bowlby [1]. In adult romantic relationships, this interaction is known as the Anxious-Avoidant Trap [2].

The Anxious Attachment Style (The Strong Woman)

The highly successful woman often develops an Anxious (or Preoccupied) attachment style. This style emerges from consistently inconsistent caregiving in childhood—a parent was sometimes available and warm, and sometimes distant or neglectful [3]. The child learns that intimacy is unpredictable and must be earned through intense effort.

As an adult, this translates into:

• A profound, deep-seated fear of abandonment [4].
• Hyper-vigilance, constantly monitoring the partner and relationship for any sign of rejection or withdrawal [5].
• A strong tendency to “protest behaviors” (excessive texting, picking fights, or emotional outbursts) when the partner pulls away, all aimed at re-establishing connection [2].

The Avoidant Attachment Style (The Unavailable Man)

The man who frequently triggers this pursuit-and-distance cycle usually carries an Avoidant (or Dismissive) attachment style. This style is rooted in a childhood where emotional needs were consistently dismissed or rejected, leading the individual to suppress their feelings and prioritize self-reliance [6].

As an adult, this translates into:

• Equating emotional closeness with a loss of autonomy or feeling “suffocated” [2].
• Difficulty with vulnerability and deep emotional expression [7].
• A reflexive tendency to deactivate—withdrawing, becoming hyper-focused on work, or finding flaws in the partner—when intimacy levels become too high [7].

2. The Trap: Why Your Strengths Become Your Liabilities

When these two styles meet, they create a magnetic but volatile attraction. The anxious woman is drawn to the avoidant man’s seemingly unflappable self-sufficiency, mistaking his emotional distance for calm confidence [8]. The avoidant man is drawn to the anxious woman’s high capacity for intimacy and drive, which confirms his own internal need for space and reinforces his independence [7].

The tragic irony is that the woman’s strengths fuel the cycle:

• Her Competitiveness: Her professional drive is unconsciously channeled into making the unavailable man “commit.” His emotional wall becomes a challenge she must conquer, believing that if she tries hard enough, she can finally “win” his heart.
• Her High-Achieving Nature: She believes that consistent, high-quality effort (being the perfect girlfriend, anticipating his needs) will yield a positive result (love and security), mirroring her success in her career. When this fails, it reinforces the core belief that she is fundamentally unworthy, which drives her to try even harder.
• Her Emotional Generosity: She over-functions, pouring energy and attention into the avoidant partner, only to trigger his need for space, thus confirming her deepest fear of abandonment and accelerating the cycle of pursuit and withdrawal [2].

3. Healing the Wound: The Path to Secure Attachment

The key to breaking this pattern is recognizing that your attraction is based on familiarity, not fulfillment. Your heart mistakes the high-stakes emotional intensity of the chase for genuine connection. A securely attached partner, who is consistent and reliably available, may initially feel “boring” because they do not trigger the same familiar survival mechanisms from childhood [7].

Healing requires consciously choosing to prioritize stability over intensity.

Step 1: Learn to Regulate Your Internal Alarm

When the avoidant partner inevitably pulls away, the anxious partner’s alarm system screams Abandonment! This is the crucial moment to disrupt the pattern.

• Self-Soothing: Instead of reaching out, engage in practices that calm the nervous system (e.g., box breathing, exercise, grounding techniques) [5].
• Decenter the Partner: Redirect the energy of the chase back to your own life—focus on a hobby, a project, or connecting with secure friends. This practice reinforces your self-worth as internally derived, rather than externally validated by the partner’s attention.

Step 2: Set and Enforce Intentional Boundaries

The strong woman often struggles to set firm boundaries because she fears doing so will push the avoidant partner away. However, setting clear limits is necessary to establish self-respect and to challenge the avoidant’s comfort with distance [2].

• Communicate Needs, Not Demands: Use calm, non-blaming “I” statements to express how you feel, rather than criticizing his behavior [3]. For example: “I feel disconnected when we don’t speak for a few days. I need a check-in every 24-48 hours to feel secure in the relationship.”
• Respect the Space, But Demand Clarity: If the avoidant asks for space, honor it, but require a concrete timeline. A healthy boundary is: “I understand you need space, but I need to know when you plan to reconnect. If I don’t hear from you by [Specific Date/Time], I will assume you are unable to meet my needs, and I will move on.”

Step 3: Consciously Choose Secure Partners

The most powerful step is learning to value a Secure attachment style. Secure partners are comfortable with both intimacy and independence; they are reliable, communicate directly, and don’t play games.

While a relationship with a secure person may initially lack the “spark” of high-stakes insecurity, it is the foundation for lasting peace and intimacy. By consistently choosing secure love, you rewrite your emotional blueprint, teaching your heart that love is meant to be a safe harbor, not a battlefield [7].

References and Further Reading

[1] Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books. [2] Ray, S., & Groskopf, C. (2024). 5 Signs You’re Caught in the Anxious-Avoidant Dating Trap. theSkimm (Expert Testimony). [3] Friedlander, A. (2025). How to Heal an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship. The Avoidant Therapist (Referencing Hazan & Shaver, 1987). [4] Cassidy, J., & Berlin, L. J. (1994). The insecure/ambivalent pattern of attachment: Theory and research. Child Development, 65(4), 971–981. [5] Collins, N. L. (1996). Working models of attachment: Implications for explanation, emotion, and behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(4), 810–832. [6] Bartholomew, K. (1990). Avoidance of intimacy: An attachment perspective. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 7(2), 147–178. [7] MacWilliam, B. (2023). Why Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Attract Each Other. Psychology Today. [8] Gaba, S. (2024). Understanding The Anxious Avoidant Relationship Trap. Marriage.com.

Have you ever taken a personality test? If you’re like me, you’ve consulted BuzzFeed and you know exactly which Taylor Swift song “perfectly matches your vibe.”

It might be obvious that internet quizzes are not scientific, but many of the seemingly serious personality tests used to guide educational and career choices are also not supported by research. Despite being a billion-dollar industry, commercial personality testing used by schools and corporations to funnel people into their ideal roles do not predict career success.

Beyond their lack of scientific support, the most popular approaches to understanding personality are problematic because they assume your traits are static – that is, you’re stuck with the personality you’re born with. But modern personality science studies find that traits can and do change over time.

In addition to watching my own personality change over time from messy and lazy to off the charts in conscientiousness, I’m also a personality change researcher and clinical psychologist. My research confirms what I saw in my own development and in my patients: People can intentionally shape the traits they need to be successful in the lives they want. That’s contrary to the popular belief that your personality type places you in a box, dictating that you choose partners, activities and careers according to your traits.

What personality is and isn’t

According to psychologists, personality is your characteristic way of thinking, feeling and behaving.

Are you a person who tends to think about situations in your life more pessimistically, or are you a glass-half-full kind of person?

Do you tend to get angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, or are you more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt – maybe they’re rushing to the hospital?

Do you wait until the last minute to complete tasks, or do you plan ahead?

You can think of personality as a collection of labels that summarize your responses to questions like these. Depending on your answers, you might be labeled as optimistic, empathetic or dependable.

Research suggests that all these descriptive labels can be summarized into five overarching traits – what psychologists creatively refer to as the “Big Five.”

As early as the 1930s, psychologists literally combed through a dictionary to pull out all the words that describe human nature and sorted them in categories with similar themes. For example, they grouped words like “kind,” “thoughtful” and “friendly” together. They found that thousands of words could be accounted for by sorting them between five traits: neuroticism, extroversion, conscientiousness, agreeableness and openness.

What personality is not: People often feel protective about their personality – you may view it as the core of who you are. According to scientific definitions, however, personality is not your likes, dislikes or preferences. It’s not your sense of humor. It’s not your values or what you think is important in life.

In other words, shifting your Big Five traits does not change the core of who you are. It simply means learning to respond to situations in life with different thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Can you change your personality?

Can personality change? Remember, personality is a person’s characteristic way of thinking, feeling and behaving. And while it might sound hard to change personality, people change how they think, feel and behave all the time.

Suppose you’re not super dependable. If you start to think “being on time shows others that I respect them,” begin to feel pride when you arrive to brunch before your friends, and engage in new behaviors that increase your timeliness – such as getting up with an alarm, setting appointment reminders and so on – you are embodying the characteristics of a reliable person. If you maintain these changes to your thinking, emotions and behaviors over time – voila! – you are reliable. Personality: changed.

Data confirms this idea. In general, personality changes across a person’s life span. As people age, they tend to experience fewer negative emotions and more positive ones, are more conscientious, place greater emphasis on positive relationships and are less judgmental of others.

There is variability here, though. Some people change a lot and some people hold pretty steady. Moreover, studies, including my own, that test whether personality interventions change traits over time find that people can speed up the process of personality change by making intentional tweaks to their thinking and behavior. These tweaks can lead to meaningful change in less than 20 weeks, instead of 20 years.

Cultivating personality traits that serve you best

The good news is that these cognitive-behavioral techniques are relatively simple, and you don’t need to visit a therapist if that’s not something you’re into.

The first component involves changing your thinking patterns – this is the cognitive piece. You need to become aware of your thoughts to determine whether they’re keeping you stuck acting in line with a particular trait. For example, if you find yourself thinking “people are only looking out for themselves,” you are likely to act defensively around others.

The behavioral component involves becoming aware of your current action tendencies and testing out new responses. If you are defensive around other people, they will probably respond negatively to you. When they withdraw or snap at you, for example, it then confirms your belief that you can’t trust others. By contrast, if you try behaving more openly – perhaps sharing with a co-worker that you’re struggling with a task – you have the opportunity to see whether that changes the way others act toward you.

These cognitive-behavioral strategies are so effective for nudging personality because personality is simply your characteristic way of thinking and behaving. Consistently making changes to your perspective and actions can lead to lasting habits that ultimately result in crafting the personality you desire.

Elizabeth Summerell and Tom Denson

There’s no shortage of things to feel angry about these days. Whether it’s politics, social injustice, climate change or the cost-of-living crisis, the world can feel like a pressure cooker.

Research suggests nearly one-quarter of the world’s population feels angry on any given day. While anger is a normal human emotion, if it’s intense and poorly managed, it can quickly lead to aggression, and potentially cause harm.

Feeling angry often can also have negative effects on our relationships, as well as our mental and physical health.

So how should you manage feelings of anger to keep them in check? Our new research suggests mindfulness can be an effective tool for regulating anger and reducing aggression.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the ability to observe and focus on your thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations in the present moment with acceptance and without judgement.

Mindfulness has been practised for thousands of years, most notably in Buddhist traditions. But more recently it has been adapted into secular programs to support mental health and emotional regulation.

Mindfulness is taught in a variety of ways, including in-person classes, residential retreats and through digital apps. These programs typically involve guided meditations, and practices that help people become more aware of their thoughts, feelings and surroundings.

Mindfulness is linked to a range of mental health benefits, including reduced anxiety, depression and stress.

Neuroscience research also suggests mindfulness is associated with reduced activity in brain regions linked to emotional reactivity, and greater activity in those involved in self-regulation (the ability to manage our thoughts, emotions and behaviours).

In this way, mindfulness could foster emotional awareness essential for the effective regulation of emotions such as anger. And when people are less overwhelmed by anger, they may be better able to think clearly, reflect on what matters and take meaningful action, rather than reacting impulsively or shutting down.

We reviewed the evidence

To better understand whether mindfulness actually helps with regulating anger and aggression, we conducted a meta-analysis. This is a study that combines the results of many previous studies to look at the overall evidence.

We analysed findings from 118 studies across different populations and countries, including both people who were naturally more mindful and people who were randomly assigned to take part in interventions aimed at increasing mindfulness.

People who were naturally more mindful were those who scored higher on questionnaires measuring traits such as present-moment awareness and non-judgmental thinking. We found these people tended to report less anger and behave less aggressively.

However, mindfulness isn’t just something you have or don’t have – it’s also a skill you can develop. And our results show the benefits of lower anger and aggression extend to people who learn mindfulness skills through practice or training.

We also wanted to know whether mindfulness might work better for certain people or in particular settings. Interestingly, our results suggest these benefits are broadly universal. Practising mindfulness was effective in reducing anger and aggression across different age groups, genders and contexts, including whether people were seeking treatment for mental health or general wellbeing, or not.

Some anger management strategies aren’t backed by science

To manage feelings of anger, many people turn to strategies that are not supported by evidence.

Research suggests “letting off steam” while thinking about your anger is not a healthy strategy and may intensify and prolong experiences of anger.

For example, in one experiment, research participants were asked to hit a punching bag while thinking of someone who made them angry. This so-called “cathartic release” made people angrier and more aggressive rather than less so.

Breaking things in rage rooms, while increasingly popular, is similarly not an evidence-based strategy for reducing anger and aggression.

On the other hand, our research shows there’s good evidence to support mindfulness as a tool to regulate anger.

Mindfulness may reduce anger and aggression by helping people become more aware of their emotional reactions without immediately acting on them. It can foster a non-judgmental and accepting stance toward difficult emotions such as anger, which may interrupt the cycle whereby anger leads to aggressive behaviour.

Mindfulness is not a magic bullet

All that said, it’s important to keep in mind that mindfulness is not a magic bullet or a quick fix. Like any new skill, mindfulness can be challenging at first, takes time to master, and works best when practised regularly.

It’s also important to note mindfulness may not be suitable for everyone – particularly when used as a standalone approach for managing more complex mental health concerns. For ongoing emotional challenges it’s always a good idea to seek support from a qualified mental health professional.

However, if you’re looking to dial down the impact of daily frustrations, there are plenty of accessible ways to give mindfulness a go. You can get started with just a few minutes per day. Popular apps such as Smiling Mind and Headspace offer short, guided sessions that make it easy to explore mindfulness at your own pace — no prior experience needed.

While mindfulness may not solve the problems that make us angry, our research shows it could help improve how we experience and respond to them.

Understanding Unrequited Love

Unrequited love occurs when one person develops romantic feelings for another who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings. Research shows approximately 98% of people have experienced unrequited love at some point, making it a nearly universal human experience.

Brain imaging studies reveal that social rejection and emotional pain activate the same neural pathways as physical pain, which explains why heartbreak can cause genuine physical sensations in your chest.

Key Strategies for Coping

1. Acknowledge the Pain

Experts recommend acknowledging that rejection causes real injury and treating yourself with the same gentleness you would if you had a physical illness. Don’t expect peak performance from yourself during this time.

2. Create Distance

Therapists identify one key sign of unrequited love as intense longing spanning a significant timeframe with little to no reciprocation. Creating physical and emotional distance from the person can help break the cycle of longing.

3. Avoid New Relationships Prematurely

Professionals recommend waiting at least six months before starting new romantic relationships to allow proper recovery. During this time, focus on building relationships with friends, family, and community involvement.

4. Examine Patterns

If unrequited love happens repeatedly, attachment theory may offer explanations, as insecure attachment styles can lead people to pursue unavailable partners. Understanding these patterns can prevent future heartbreak.

5. Practice Self-Care

Taking great care of yourself is the most important thing you can do when dealing with unrequited love. This includes nourishing both your physical and emotional well-being.

When to Seek Professional Help

Therapy may be beneficial if you’re unable to stop pursuing someone after they’ve expressed disinterest, if thoughts of them interfere with daily life, or if you feel depressed or hopeless.

If you’re experiencing weeks or longer of feeling low or anxious, or if it’s affecting your work or personal life, it may be time to see a professional.

The Healing Process

The healing process centers on acceptance, which involves validating the difficult aspects while recognizing what isn’t true. While the intensity of feelings won’t last forever, healing takes time and self-compassion.

Remember that experiencing unrequited love doesn’t reflect your worth or lovability—it simply represents a mismatch in timing, circumstances, or connection between two people.