Navigating a relationship with a narcissist can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, they’re charming, attentive, and incredibly kind. Next, they can be cold, critical, or even cruel. This confusing, hot-and-cold behavior—often referred to as a “Jekyll and Hyde” dynamic—leaves you feeling dizzy and questioning your own reality.
Understanding why this happens is the first step toward finding clarity and emotional safety.
1. The Need for Narcissistic Supply
A narcissist’s entire self-worth is dependent on external validation, or what’s known as narcissistic supply. This can come in the form of admiration, attention, or control. When they are being “nice,” they are actively charming you to secure this supply. They may love-bomb you with compliments and grand gestures to ensure you remain a source of their self-esteem.
However, when they feel their supply is threatened—either because you are focusing on yourself, expressing a different opinion, or simply not giving them the attention they crave—they may quickly switch to being “mean.” This is a tactic to provoke a reaction and regain control of the situation and of you.
2. A Fragile and Deflated Ego
Behind the mask of superiority lies a profoundly fragile ego. A narcissist’s self-esteem is not solid; it’s like a balloon that needs constant air. The slightest criticism, a perceived insult, or even a simple disagreement can cause their ego to deflate.
When this happens, they often lash out with anger and cruelty. This behavior isn’t really about you; it’s a defensive reaction to protect their vulnerable self-image. Their “mean” side is the real, insecure self they work so hard to hide.
3. Empathy as a Tool for Manipulation
As noted in a previous document, covert narcissists, like other types of narcissists, generally struggle with genuine empathy. While they may act caring, this is often a superficial and strategic display. Their “empathy” is conditional—they might show concern when it benefits them, helps them maintain a desired image, or serves as a tool for manipulation. This can make their sporadic acts of kindness feel especially confusing. They may use a display of caring to keep you emotionally invested, even after a cruel episode.
4. The Power of Emotional Manipulation
The nice-and-mean cycle is a powerful form of emotional manipulation. It keeps you off-balance and in a constant state of confusion. You become addicted to the “nice” moments, always holding out hope for a return to the person you first met. This intermittent reinforcement makes it incredibly difficult to break away from the relationship. When they are kind, you may forget the pain they caused, and when they are cruel, you may feel an urge to fix things to get back to the “good” times.
5. A Lack of Object Permanence
Narcissists may lack emotional object permanence, which is the ability to maintain a positive emotional connection to someone when they are not physically present or actively meeting their needs. To put it simply, if you are not in their direct line of sight or fulfilling their immediate desires, you may cease to exist positively for them. This can be why their mood and attitude toward you can change so drastically when you’re apart.
If you are experiencing this kind of behavior, remember that it’s not a reflection of your worth. It’s a core component of how a narcissist’s mind operates.
It is essential to get space from your abuser. Be sure to document the events as they happened, rather than how your abuser tells you they happened. Record text messages, voice messages, emails, audio or video recordings (if your state’s laws allow it) that can help you remember the facts in case of brain fog, instead of subscribing to distortions and delusions from the narc .
Seek help from a third party, such as a trauma therapist, and go through incidents of abuse together to substantiate what you have experienced. Clever narcissists can try to rewrite your reality, but you don’t have to let then control the narrative.
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